Post by norm on Mar 15, 2016 14:07:55 GMT -8
I don’t belong here.
The thought still lingered in the back of his mind, threading its dark tendrils through his whole self. In the dead of the night, it was louder, desperately trying to claw itself free from the box he kept trying to keep it locked inside. He wanted to run far away, and at the same time, stay right where he was, as it was the closest place in a long time where he actually felt right; actually felt like he was truly meant to be there.
And for that, he owed Ben and Claire more than they could ever have known. They were the first to put up with him. The first to deal with his tendency to show up and then disappear, as if he had never been there at all.
Claire always was a smart girl. Jesse had known that from the start. He wasn’t too sure when, exactly, she had figured out his secret, but he didn’t deny it when she confronted him. Of course, Ben was then the second. Even if he wanted to, he knew that he couldn’t tell one something without the other.
…he hadn’t wanted to keep it a secret from Ben, either.
The fact that they still accepted him? Didn’t call him an abomination and turn away in disgust? That they didn’t push him away and pretend that he never existed? In that moment, he knew that he was in it for the long haul. That, despite his initial intentions of just being around when he was needed and staying an arm’s length away, he could no longer do so. He couldn’t bring himself to try to maintain that distance still.
How did this even happen in the first place? How had they managed to so thoroughly smash through all of his defences and draw him in so deeply without him even catching on until it was far too late? It was both terrifying and thrilling, all at the same time.
Numbers slowly grew and slowly Jesse found himself wondering if this was really what it was like to have friends. Was this what it was like to be cared about? To be accepted?
The answer that always came back in his mind was <i>partially</i>. Ben and Claire had the advantage that the others, save for Castiel, didn’t have. They knew his true nature. The others? Not so much. And Jesse wanted it that way. Preferred it that way. He knew that it wasn’t fair to them, but he was still scared. But that didn’t mean he would lie about it. It just meant he wouldn’t tell anyone too directly. If they confronted him? Then he’d simply acknowledge it.
It was almost frightening how easy he let himself fall into a role. Even more frightening that he grew to like being there. The Bunker still bothered him in many ways, but he quietly dealt with that on his own. In many ways, it was more of a home than anywhere else he had been in a long time.
Besides. The kitchen was also his domain. As far as kitchens went? He was pretty sure such a thing only existed in movies and on televisions shows. It was all one could ever want, and then some. Most of the time, Jesse liked to joke that the real reason that they actually kept him around was because he had the best cooking skills. It might not have been the exact truth, but it was something that he could tangibly hold on to easier and believe in better than the frightening thoughts that people really did care about him.
So he hid behind the joke and covered the cracks with a laugh and a smile.
The thought still lingered in the back of his mind, threading its dark tendrils through his whole self. In the dead of the night, it was louder, desperately trying to claw itself free from the box he kept trying to keep it locked inside. He wanted to run far away, and at the same time, stay right where he was, as it was the closest place in a long time where he actually felt right; actually felt like he was truly meant to be there.
And for that, he owed Ben and Claire more than they could ever have known. They were the first to put up with him. The first to deal with his tendency to show up and then disappear, as if he had never been there at all.
Claire always was a smart girl. Jesse had known that from the start. He wasn’t too sure when, exactly, she had figured out his secret, but he didn’t deny it when she confronted him. Of course, Ben was then the second. Even if he wanted to, he knew that he couldn’t tell one something without the other.
…he hadn’t wanted to keep it a secret from Ben, either.
The fact that they still accepted him? Didn’t call him an abomination and turn away in disgust? That they didn’t push him away and pretend that he never existed? In that moment, he knew that he was in it for the long haul. That, despite his initial intentions of just being around when he was needed and staying an arm’s length away, he could no longer do so. He couldn’t bring himself to try to maintain that distance still.
How did this even happen in the first place? How had they managed to so thoroughly smash through all of his defences and draw him in so deeply without him even catching on until it was far too late? It was both terrifying and thrilling, all at the same time.
Numbers slowly grew and slowly Jesse found himself wondering if this was really what it was like to have friends. Was this what it was like to be cared about? To be accepted?
The answer that always came back in his mind was <i>partially</i>. Ben and Claire had the advantage that the others, save for Castiel, didn’t have. They knew his true nature. The others? Not so much. And Jesse wanted it that way. Preferred it that way. He knew that it wasn’t fair to them, but he was still scared. But that didn’t mean he would lie about it. It just meant he wouldn’t tell anyone too directly. If they confronted him? Then he’d simply acknowledge it.
It was almost frightening how easy he let himself fall into a role. Even more frightening that he grew to like being there. The Bunker still bothered him in many ways, but he quietly dealt with that on his own. In many ways, it was more of a home than anywhere else he had been in a long time.
Besides. The kitchen was also his domain. As far as kitchens went? He was pretty sure such a thing only existed in movies and on televisions shows. It was all one could ever want, and then some. Most of the time, Jesse liked to joke that the real reason that they actually kept him around was because he had the best cooking skills. It might not have been the exact truth, but it was something that he could tangibly hold on to easier and believe in better than the frightening thoughts that people really did care about him.
So he hid behind the joke and covered the cracks with a laugh and a smile.