Post by Cassiel on Mar 28, 2016 11:01:53 GMT -8
ZYLLAH--
It had been an okay run out there, but Zyllah had been a wee bit distracted. The run left her feeling more disgruntled than anything; even while having covered the miles and getting the necessary supplies.
It wasn’t horrible where she was, not like everyone kept saying. She was a plain old human, which was what protected her -- for now. Soon they’d be coming for the humans too, Zyllah wasn’t stupid about that.
“Why are you still here, Zed?”
She looked up at the guy, a crooked smile slipping over her lips. “What are you talking about?”
“You’re miles away.”
“I always am.”
“Usually not when you’re on your runs. Today… you really are gone.”
“Where should I be?”
“Where your mind is, Zed.”
She stopped moving, a tilt of her head as she studied the guy. “Are you a psychic or something?”
“Naw. Not all men are dense, you know.”
She laughed as she moved to stand up, brushing her clothes off. “I think I’m going to actually listen to you for once.” When he laughed, she patted him on the shoulder, “keep an eye out will ya? I put the packages over at the main place.”
“I know, like clockwork.”
Zyllah gave him a look before going for the cars so she could drive over to the bunker. It wasn’t too long of a drive and it gave her little time to think. Though her nerves built as she drove. What if Castiel changed his mind?
CASTIEL--
Back from his visit with Paige, Castiel was in the library – his usual spot at one of the tables a bit out of the way – with a book open on the table in front of him, and the usual bottle of whiskey and tumbler sat beside the book. Although, the bottle was – surprisingly – nearly full, with only a little splashed into the tumbler, and even that almost untouched. He was staring down at the book, fingers idly playing with the edges of the pages, and not actually absorbing a word of the text his eyes drifted over.
Instead of really reading, he was using it to avoid having to deal with anyone else. Although, he'd been a little surprised when he'd gotten back to discover no one hanging around. It'd made him wonder if he'd missed something. But...at the same time, it wasn't like it never happened, he just...usually wasn't paying much attention if someone didn't specifically seek him out for something.
But. He wanted to think. Needed to think, really. So, the lack of interruption was welcome.
Zyllah. Somehow, the talk with Paige hadn't left him with any clear decisions on the matter. If anything, he was more confused. He cared about her. He wasn't sure he wanted to allow himself to get close like that to her – well, not just her, but anyone. But it seemed to be happening, anyway. He wanted to give in to it, and he wanted to crush it before someone got hurt.
“It’s a gift, y’know?”
He knew. It was just a gift he wasn't so sure he was worthy of. Certainly not now, probably not ever.
ZYLLAH--
She made sure to park in a more obscure place instead of right in the front of the bunker. It wasn’t too far of a walk from the car to the place, she bobbed her head in greeting to a couple of the people milling about out in the front. They had built some secure places behind the bunker, not everyone was made for living underground.
They did quick small talk, Zyllah explained what she had found on the last run. One of the guys asked for a thing out of the hoard, she made a mental note to bring it next time. After the talk was done, she let herself in, walking down the stairs as quietly as possible.
She waved to a couple of the people down there and asked after Castiel. She was pointed to the library.
She hesitated for a moment, just a moment, before walking toward the library. She knocked on the door, opening it and tilting her head. “Can I come in?”
CASTIEL--
It took him a moment to register that there had been a knock on the door, and then someone speaking. Slowly, he raised his head, only to see his thoughts made flesh looking in at him from the doorway. “Of course,” he said, a genuine smile appearing. “You're always welcome, Zee.” He flipped the book in front of him closed, prepared to give her his full attention.
Because, hey, y'know, he'd not been doing anything but thinking about her, anyway.
“How'd the run go?” He tried, subtly – but probably not subtly enough – to look her over for any signs of injury or issues with the run. Silly, really, since she was capable of taking care of herself – it was something he admired about her, in fact, and always had – and yet, he found himself doing it anyway.
Besides, asking about normal, everyday, mundane things was much easier than dealing with whatever it was that had been between them last night...and this morning. It wasn't that he was avoiding it because he regretted it. He was just afraid, on some level, that she'd seen sense while she was gone, and had realized what a monumentally bad idea having anything to do with him actually was.
ZYLLAH--
“Don’t let me interrupt anything,” she put a hand up as she closed the door behind her, “I was just checking in so you’d know I was back.” She chuckled softly as she moved towards one of the chairs near him. Her eyes studied the scene - he had the bottle and a bit of a drink, but he didn’t seem to have really taken much of it. It’d show in his eyes and what she saw was…
Nothing.
This was new for her. She wasn’t sure how to deal. But she was going to have to, they had agreed to take it a day at a time to feel things out and just be.
She climbed into the chair, crossing her legs as she did so. “It went well,” she smiled at him, “I managed to grab some things we needed,” she gestured to herself, “I didn’t get hurt. I saw that look,” she grinned at him. She wanted to give him a quick kiss, you know, as she saw actual people dating do… but she wasn’t sure.
Damn it. He made her insecure and she hated it.
She cleared her throat, “how about you?” A tilt of her head as she dropped her hands into her lap while glancing over at the book. “What did you do while pretending to read?”
CASTIEL--
Clear blue eyes followed Zyllah as she came in and made herself comfortable. He realized he liked it, her settling in near him. It was...right. It felt right, anyway. Then again, when could he trust what he felt? Cas realized then, too, that he really wanted a drink. But he refused to even look at the amber liquid waiting for him in the tumbler.
Not yet, at least.
He chuckled. “Yeah, well, forgive me for wanting to be sure?” Of course she'd caught him looking. He'd begun to realize, as he'd sat thinking, catching each other just sort of looking was something that had been happening between them for some time now. Okay, well, maybe this epiphany had more to do with Paige pointing out how they looked at each other than anything he'd come to on his own, but still. She'd been right, Paige had.
Paige might have been right about...a lot of things, actually.
Castiel caught her glance, before she cleared her throat, and wondered at it. He'd thought, maybe, for the briefest of moments, that Zyllah might kiss him. The chairs were close enough that it wouldn't have taken much to make it happen. But then, she didn't. And, wonder of wonders, he was sober enough to catch the look of insecurity that flashed across her face so quickly. It made him wonder how much else he'd missed about her, these subtle little things he was only rarely alert enough to see.
...it made him wonder if she was just as unsure in all this as he was.
There was the faintest twitch of Castiel's lips, a brief flash of a wry smile at her just knowing that he hadn't really been reading. “Ah, well...” He dropped his eyes back down to the book, then idly pushed it away a bit more before tilting his head back up just enough to look at Zyllah. “I was...thinking.” There was a pause, and his hand drifted from the book to the tumbler – eyes dropping away from her to follow his hand – nimble fingers wrapping around the glass, but not yet raising it. “About us. I...uh, about you, mostly, I guess.”
ZYLLAH--
She laughed, “you’re always going to check,” she sprawled her hands out along her legs now, “I can’t stop you.” She shook her head in amusement, her eyes dancing.
“Hmm, what were you thinking about?” She lifted her eyebrows then knit them, her head rocking back a little as she looked at him. He was thinking about them too? Her cheeks colored a bit as she ducked her head, she wasn’t sure what to say. Clearing her throat, she looked up at him, “really?” A slight tilt of her head, she smiled, “what were you thinking then?”
The comment had made her feel a bit bolder, he had been thinking about her; like she had been thinking about him. She bit at her bottom lip before reaching out to tug a hand of his off the glass, she wanted to touch and be touched - even if it was a simple contact.
CASTIEL--
Cas let his eyes slide back over to look at her, head tilting just enough to facilitate that without turning to Zyllah directly. He didn't answer her right away, though. Instead, he just regarded her silently, eyes tracing her form, then lingering on her face, on her eyes fixed on him.
It wasn't until she reached out, pulling his hand away from the tumbler – which he allowed readily – that he let out the breath he hadn't even realized he'd been holding in a huff. Cas tangled his fingers with hers, his eyes drifting to her lips, the hint of teeth there from biting at her lower lip. Unconsciously, he licked his own lips, then drug his eyes back up to hers.
“I... I was trying decide... Shit.” His unoccupied hand raised to scrub through his messy, slightly-too-long hair, before dropping away. He shifted in his seat, until he was leaning toward Zyllah, facing her. His thumb began to stroke her hand where it could reach, as he struggled to put the thoughts that had occupied him since returning from Paige's into words that made sense.
“I was trying to understand what the hell you see in me.” His tone made clear exactly what he thought of himself; a broken thing, pitiful, and not even really worth pity, let alone the care she showed him.”Paige...she, uh, she said it's a gift. What we have. Or...what we could have.” His eyes dropped to look at their intertwined hands. “I'm not sure it's one I'm worthy of, Zee.”
ZYLLAH--
Zyllah chuckled as she listened to him struggle with his words, it was reassuring to see that he felt the same as her about the whole thing. He made her nervous, insecure, secure, and loved all at once - even if he never said the three little words, it was.. Somehow there.
Her lips twisted as she watched him move around, unsure what was going to happen. Was this talk going to be a negative one, or was it going to be them fumbling around in the dark again? She bit at her lip again, nerves. Her lip would be raw before the night was over, she knew it, yet she couldn’t help it. It was better than doing little tics when she was nervous, she used to be a nail-biter.
“You’re trying to decide…?” She offered up encouragingly when he faced her, she shifted a bit to scoot in closer, to allow them have less of a distance. She found his other hand to tangle with his free one, frowning at him. “Castiel,” her voice was soft. “How could you not see what I see?” She tightened her hold on his hands. “You are strong. You have went through so much,” a pause, she hesitated, unsure how to explain herself without upsetting him.
“You lost someone you have loved so much,” she rolled her shoulders carefully, “yet you are still here.” Her eyes flicked away to a spot on his shoulder, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to look him in the eyes while talking about the other person that would always be there between them.
“You are still every bit of the soldier you don’t feel when you are out there with us. When you are in the room with me,” she exhaled slowly, “you still fill the room without trying. You take my breath away. You make sure everyone is okay - even it means forgetting yourself.
“How could I not find you worthy of my love?”
CASTIEL--
She grasped his other hand, tangling those fingers together, as well. Castiel gripped both her hands gratefully; her touch just made him feel more anchored, more here than usual. And right now, he really needed that, needed to remain here mentally as well as physically. He needed to be with her, to get what needed said, said.
As Zyllah spoke, his head was shaking slowly. She fought along side him, she saw him at his lowest, at his weakest. She couldn't possibly believe that he was strong. How could she?
And then, everything just sort of froze up for him. It was like his mind stuttered to a stop, and just blanked out. Dean. She was talking about Dean. He wasn't even really sure she'd known. Oh, he knew people talked, sometimes. Kindly, respectfully...and then ones who mocked and even worse. He knew even when he pretended. But, on some level, he'd hoped she'd never heard any of the talk.
It had been too much to hope for. Of course.
Distantly, he knew Zee was speaking, still. He even heard the words, though he couldn't hold them in mind enough to make a proper response. Or, really, any response. Just as distantly, he was aware that he must be showing everything he felt – the horror, the sorrow, the pain, the....love – but Cas was helpless to stop it, too far gone to try to put any of his usual masks into place. It was always harder around her, but now...it was impossible.
“No.” It almost more a low moan than a word, but it was the best he could manage, struggling to try to stay with her, to not let himself slide down into the threatening darkness, using the brilliance of her blue eyes to grasp at, to anchor to. “I'm not...I'm not what you think I am. Zyllah, my little Shadow, I'm...not any of that.”
He squeezed her hands, possibly harder than he should have, desperate to maintain that contact, though his eyes dropped away, staring instead down at their intertwined hands. “I love you,” he admitted softly, brokenly. “But...the things I love...die. I can't save what I love. I...don't know if I can do it.”
ZYLLAH--
When the feelings danced over his face, she almost let go of his hands; she felt that she must have upset him - she wasn’t sure. But this was the moment she needed to hold on. She frowned a bit, biting at her bottom lip, her words trailing off, she was afraid to keep talking. What if she made it worse? Her hands tightened a bit before relaxing, then he grabbed ahold even tighter.
“Castiel,” she spoke softly as she shifted, her focus on his face now, then the top of his head. She wasn’t even sure what to say or do. Go with your gut, Zee.
She shifted out of her chair, moving to settle on her knees in front of him, their hands still intertwined. She looked up at him, “Castiel,” she sighed, “you saved me all those years ago,” she chuckled softly.
“Sometimes I don’t need saving. I just need love.”
CASTIEL--
Her words cut right down to the center of him. The way she said his name, it almost felt like a prayer from the past, a word whispered full of meaning and emotion from the lips of someone else. But...it wasn't Dean saying his name now, even if the feeling it carried was so much the same. This was Zee...this was Zyllah, this was his Shadow.
His little Shadow. He'd thought of her that way for so long. How had he not seen it sooner?
The answer, of course, had been because he had been afraid, pure and simple.
Slowly, he raised his eyes to meet hers, only then becoming aware that she was kneeling in front of him now, watching him. She must have seen everything that crossed his face. He waited for the embarrassment, the anger that sometimes rose to hide his deepest thoughts from those around him...but it never came. It was okay of she saw him like this. It was...okay.
Dropping her hands, he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close, gently. He buried his face into her hair, sighing softly. And when he finally spoke, it was a low murmur into her hair, a rumble filled with wonder and fear and the love he'd so long denied both of them without even recognizing it. “I love you, Shadow. I want to love you. I want to have this. I want to share this with you. My little Shadow, my sweet, brave, little Zyllah...I want to try, for you.”
ZYLLAH--
She waited for him to acknowledge her presence, he was so lost in his head and the memories. It was hard watching him because there was uncertainty present - she wasn’t sure if his struggle would mean she would end up staying on the outside in the end. Her lips twisted a little, she waited for him.
He would come back, she knew that; but in what way? She didn’t know the answer to that. It was odd not having the answers.
There he was when he lifted his head, his eyes - bluer than the skies on a perfect day.
Her breath caught, she smiled ever so carefully. Hopefully.
She moved when he pulled her in, she had to shift so she could climb into his lap and be held at the same time instead of half-standing at an awkward angle. She could feel his breath, and it made her close her eyes while her heartbeat quickened. He had no idea what he did to her.
And there he was, the words were coming.
“You do?” Her voice was soft, full of wonder. She smiled, shifting to tuck her face into the area between his head and his shoulder. “I love you too, Castiel.” She exhaled the words slowly. She hadn’t meant to say love earlier, but she had meant it. And apparently so did he.
She shifted back in his lap so she could look at him, her hands trailing along his jaws. “It’s confusing, scary, and really exciting,” she chuckled. “But I wouldn’t want to try with anyone else,” she bit at her bottom lip for a moment before taking the plunge, her head moving in to claim his lips for a kiss.
CASTIEL--
He cradled her against him, grateful for her slight weight further anchoring him. Cas could only nod, at first, not sure he could trust himself to speak again just yet. It had taken so much to speak those words aloud, to open himself like that to her. But it had been right. He couldn't regret the words spoken. They were true, he meant them. No sarcasm, no hiding behind all his various masks. Just...him, what little he had to offer Zyllah, what he had to give – that had been what was in his words.
“I love you too, Castiel.” It took his breath away. She was just as honest and genuine with him now as she always was, and he surprised himself by just accepting that. At least, in this moment, he could. He knew himself enough to know doubts would come again, darkness and madness would threaten again. It wouldn't be perfect, couldn't be perfect. But he would try for her, and with the help she was always, always silently offering him. Now...he would accept it.
Because he needed her, and he nearly laughed at how long he had, and how long he'd denied it.
For a being with billions of years of knowledge and experience, he sure could be pretty fucking dense.
Her light touch against his jaw sent a shiver down his spine, in the most pleasant of ways. He met her gaze, blue meeting blue, and felt his lips quirk into a true, genuine smile. She was so beautiful. Not just physically attractive – though, yeah, he couldn't deny that – but it was another of those moments where he felt he could almost see her soul, in the ways he once would have been able to. And she was just....so...beautiful.
When she leaned in toward him, his heart sped up. She was going to kiss him. And oh, how he wanted that. He met her eagerly, pressing lips to lips, licking gently at the seam of her mouth, tasting and testing more than actually pressing for entrance. He was in no hurry now, unlike last night. There was no haze of alcohol clouding what he felt, what he wanted. There was just her, and him, and this right here and now.
A thought occurred to him, and he pulled away reluctantly, wanting to look into her face again. “Zyllah...stay with me.” There was a pause as he considered what he'd said and what he wanted to say, and then he plunged ahead. “Stay with me tonight. Stay with me...every night.” Castiel cupped her face in his hands, watching her reaction. “Stay here at the bunker. We can get you a room of your own. Whatever you want. But please..would you stay?”
Both hope and dread filled him at the same time, but...in the end, he would accept it, whatever she chose. Because it was her choice, no matter what he wanted her to choose, it was her choice.
ZYLLAH--
Her lips curled into a smile when he met hers for the kiss, it sent a thrill through her body that here he was, wanting her as much as she wanted him. Also, he was much more present this time compared to the other night. She kissed him lazily, chasing his tongue with a laugh, taking her time; delighting in all this.
Then he broke the kiss, she blinked, studying him with a question in her eyes. Was something wrong? But she could see that nothing was wrong, he just had something to say. Her head tilted a bit, she ran her fingers along his arms, smiling softly. “Stay with you?” Her voice was soft, she was ready to say something when he cut her off, continuing. “I…” She looked down for a moment to consider his words.
Was there more than what he was asking? She had to chuckle a little internally, this was Castiel - he never knew how to speak in circles. What he said, he meant, and he never really knew how to be too subtle. That was what she liked about him, with him, she usually knew where she stood.
“Of course,” she looked up at him with a smile. “I would love to.” She slipped her hands to settle on top of his. “You decide if I stay with you, or in my own room.” She hesitated, had she been too bold in saying that? Her eyes flicked to his, unsure if she had crossed a line.
CASTIEL--
She...agreed. Cas watched her, suddenly unsure. There was the doubt, the uncertainty he was used to. Did she really mean it, or was she just agreeing because it was what he wanted? No matter how long he lived among humans, no matter he lived as one of them, he was never quite sure if he was reading them right. Somehow, sometimes, that was only more so with her. Far too often Zyllah agreed readily with him, just because it was what he wanted.
Her eyes met his, that beautiful clear blue of hers – so much like his own, he'd been told teasingly more than once – and he searched them, looking for signs of how she really felt. She, too, seemed unsure, a little afraid. He could see it in those blue depths, but he saw hope, as well. It was that hope that settled him, centered him. “Both,” he said suddenly. “I mean...I want you to stay with me. I do, I really do, Shadow.”
Cas hesitated again, his eyes dropping away from hers. He had to say more, explain properly, but it was hard. So hard. He was so afraid it would send her running, that he would lose this thing he'd only just gotten the courage to open himself to. But...he respected Zyllah, he....loved her. He was sure of that, now. So, she deserved this, despite the risk.
His hand slipped from under hers where they were covering his, and then down to rest lightly at her waist, just enough to steady her on his lap. He was, unconsciously, allowing her the means to move away, to escape what he was to say. “You should have a room of your own anyway. You should have somewhere to go if you need to get away from me.”
Only then did his eyes move back up to look at her, afraid of her reaction, but needing to see anyway, needing to just look at her. “I'm broken. I'm lost and I'm broken and...sometimes, I'm not safe.” While his voice was soft and – surprising to him – steady, his expression was serious, solemn, and sorrowful. He believed what he said, honestly felt that sometimes he had the potential to be a danger to those around him. “You should have somewhere you can go.”
He'd always locked himself away in his room when those fears rose up and threatened to swallow him, sometimes for days at a time. And he believed no one actually noticed that he did it, or suspected why. All he really knew was that it was something he felt necessary to protect Zyllah from, that he was something she might need protected from. He had to offer her what safety he could, even if it was just a separate room for her to retreat to.
It had been an okay run out there, but Zyllah had been a wee bit distracted. The run left her feeling more disgruntled than anything; even while having covered the miles and getting the necessary supplies.
It wasn’t horrible where she was, not like everyone kept saying. She was a plain old human, which was what protected her -- for now. Soon they’d be coming for the humans too, Zyllah wasn’t stupid about that.
“Why are you still here, Zed?”
She looked up at the guy, a crooked smile slipping over her lips. “What are you talking about?”
“You’re miles away.”
“I always am.”
“Usually not when you’re on your runs. Today… you really are gone.”
“Where should I be?”
“Where your mind is, Zed.”
She stopped moving, a tilt of her head as she studied the guy. “Are you a psychic or something?”
“Naw. Not all men are dense, you know.”
She laughed as she moved to stand up, brushing her clothes off. “I think I’m going to actually listen to you for once.” When he laughed, she patted him on the shoulder, “keep an eye out will ya? I put the packages over at the main place.”
“I know, like clockwork.”
Zyllah gave him a look before going for the cars so she could drive over to the bunker. It wasn’t too long of a drive and it gave her little time to think. Though her nerves built as she drove. What if Castiel changed his mind?
CASTIEL--
Back from his visit with Paige, Castiel was in the library – his usual spot at one of the tables a bit out of the way – with a book open on the table in front of him, and the usual bottle of whiskey and tumbler sat beside the book. Although, the bottle was – surprisingly – nearly full, with only a little splashed into the tumbler, and even that almost untouched. He was staring down at the book, fingers idly playing with the edges of the pages, and not actually absorbing a word of the text his eyes drifted over.
Instead of really reading, he was using it to avoid having to deal with anyone else. Although, he'd been a little surprised when he'd gotten back to discover no one hanging around. It'd made him wonder if he'd missed something. But...at the same time, it wasn't like it never happened, he just...usually wasn't paying much attention if someone didn't specifically seek him out for something.
But. He wanted to think. Needed to think, really. So, the lack of interruption was welcome.
Zyllah. Somehow, the talk with Paige hadn't left him with any clear decisions on the matter. If anything, he was more confused. He cared about her. He wasn't sure he wanted to allow himself to get close like that to her – well, not just her, but anyone. But it seemed to be happening, anyway. He wanted to give in to it, and he wanted to crush it before someone got hurt.
“It’s a gift, y’know?”
He knew. It was just a gift he wasn't so sure he was worthy of. Certainly not now, probably not ever.
ZYLLAH--
She made sure to park in a more obscure place instead of right in the front of the bunker. It wasn’t too far of a walk from the car to the place, she bobbed her head in greeting to a couple of the people milling about out in the front. They had built some secure places behind the bunker, not everyone was made for living underground.
They did quick small talk, Zyllah explained what she had found on the last run. One of the guys asked for a thing out of the hoard, she made a mental note to bring it next time. After the talk was done, she let herself in, walking down the stairs as quietly as possible.
She waved to a couple of the people down there and asked after Castiel. She was pointed to the library.
She hesitated for a moment, just a moment, before walking toward the library. She knocked on the door, opening it and tilting her head. “Can I come in?”
CASTIEL--
It took him a moment to register that there had been a knock on the door, and then someone speaking. Slowly, he raised his head, only to see his thoughts made flesh looking in at him from the doorway. “Of course,” he said, a genuine smile appearing. “You're always welcome, Zee.” He flipped the book in front of him closed, prepared to give her his full attention.
Because, hey, y'know, he'd not been doing anything but thinking about her, anyway.
“How'd the run go?” He tried, subtly – but probably not subtly enough – to look her over for any signs of injury or issues with the run. Silly, really, since she was capable of taking care of herself – it was something he admired about her, in fact, and always had – and yet, he found himself doing it anyway.
Besides, asking about normal, everyday, mundane things was much easier than dealing with whatever it was that had been between them last night...and this morning. It wasn't that he was avoiding it because he regretted it. He was just afraid, on some level, that she'd seen sense while she was gone, and had realized what a monumentally bad idea having anything to do with him actually was.
ZYLLAH--
“Don’t let me interrupt anything,” she put a hand up as she closed the door behind her, “I was just checking in so you’d know I was back.” She chuckled softly as she moved towards one of the chairs near him. Her eyes studied the scene - he had the bottle and a bit of a drink, but he didn’t seem to have really taken much of it. It’d show in his eyes and what she saw was…
Nothing.
This was new for her. She wasn’t sure how to deal. But she was going to have to, they had agreed to take it a day at a time to feel things out and just be.
She climbed into the chair, crossing her legs as she did so. “It went well,” she smiled at him, “I managed to grab some things we needed,” she gestured to herself, “I didn’t get hurt. I saw that look,” she grinned at him. She wanted to give him a quick kiss, you know, as she saw actual people dating do… but she wasn’t sure.
Damn it. He made her insecure and she hated it.
She cleared her throat, “how about you?” A tilt of her head as she dropped her hands into her lap while glancing over at the book. “What did you do while pretending to read?”
CASTIEL--
Clear blue eyes followed Zyllah as she came in and made herself comfortable. He realized he liked it, her settling in near him. It was...right. It felt right, anyway. Then again, when could he trust what he felt? Cas realized then, too, that he really wanted a drink. But he refused to even look at the amber liquid waiting for him in the tumbler.
Not yet, at least.
He chuckled. “Yeah, well, forgive me for wanting to be sure?” Of course she'd caught him looking. He'd begun to realize, as he'd sat thinking, catching each other just sort of looking was something that had been happening between them for some time now. Okay, well, maybe this epiphany had more to do with Paige pointing out how they looked at each other than anything he'd come to on his own, but still. She'd been right, Paige had.
Paige might have been right about...a lot of things, actually.
Castiel caught her glance, before she cleared her throat, and wondered at it. He'd thought, maybe, for the briefest of moments, that Zyllah might kiss him. The chairs were close enough that it wouldn't have taken much to make it happen. But then, she didn't. And, wonder of wonders, he was sober enough to catch the look of insecurity that flashed across her face so quickly. It made him wonder how much else he'd missed about her, these subtle little things he was only rarely alert enough to see.
...it made him wonder if she was just as unsure in all this as he was.
There was the faintest twitch of Castiel's lips, a brief flash of a wry smile at her just knowing that he hadn't really been reading. “Ah, well...” He dropped his eyes back down to the book, then idly pushed it away a bit more before tilting his head back up just enough to look at Zyllah. “I was...thinking.” There was a pause, and his hand drifted from the book to the tumbler – eyes dropping away from her to follow his hand – nimble fingers wrapping around the glass, but not yet raising it. “About us. I...uh, about you, mostly, I guess.”
ZYLLAH--
She laughed, “you’re always going to check,” she sprawled her hands out along her legs now, “I can’t stop you.” She shook her head in amusement, her eyes dancing.
“Hmm, what were you thinking about?” She lifted her eyebrows then knit them, her head rocking back a little as she looked at him. He was thinking about them too? Her cheeks colored a bit as she ducked her head, she wasn’t sure what to say. Clearing her throat, she looked up at him, “really?” A slight tilt of her head, she smiled, “what were you thinking then?”
The comment had made her feel a bit bolder, he had been thinking about her; like she had been thinking about him. She bit at her bottom lip before reaching out to tug a hand of his off the glass, she wanted to touch and be touched - even if it was a simple contact.
CASTIEL--
Cas let his eyes slide back over to look at her, head tilting just enough to facilitate that without turning to Zyllah directly. He didn't answer her right away, though. Instead, he just regarded her silently, eyes tracing her form, then lingering on her face, on her eyes fixed on him.
It wasn't until she reached out, pulling his hand away from the tumbler – which he allowed readily – that he let out the breath he hadn't even realized he'd been holding in a huff. Cas tangled his fingers with hers, his eyes drifting to her lips, the hint of teeth there from biting at her lower lip. Unconsciously, he licked his own lips, then drug his eyes back up to hers.
“I... I was trying decide... Shit.” His unoccupied hand raised to scrub through his messy, slightly-too-long hair, before dropping away. He shifted in his seat, until he was leaning toward Zyllah, facing her. His thumb began to stroke her hand where it could reach, as he struggled to put the thoughts that had occupied him since returning from Paige's into words that made sense.
“I was trying to understand what the hell you see in me.” His tone made clear exactly what he thought of himself; a broken thing, pitiful, and not even really worth pity, let alone the care she showed him.”Paige...she, uh, she said it's a gift. What we have. Or...what we could have.” His eyes dropped to look at their intertwined hands. “I'm not sure it's one I'm worthy of, Zee.”
ZYLLAH--
Zyllah chuckled as she listened to him struggle with his words, it was reassuring to see that he felt the same as her about the whole thing. He made her nervous, insecure, secure, and loved all at once - even if he never said the three little words, it was.. Somehow there.
Her lips twisted as she watched him move around, unsure what was going to happen. Was this talk going to be a negative one, or was it going to be them fumbling around in the dark again? She bit at her lip again, nerves. Her lip would be raw before the night was over, she knew it, yet she couldn’t help it. It was better than doing little tics when she was nervous, she used to be a nail-biter.
“You’re trying to decide…?” She offered up encouragingly when he faced her, she shifted a bit to scoot in closer, to allow them have less of a distance. She found his other hand to tangle with his free one, frowning at him. “Castiel,” her voice was soft. “How could you not see what I see?” She tightened her hold on his hands. “You are strong. You have went through so much,” a pause, she hesitated, unsure how to explain herself without upsetting him.
“You lost someone you have loved so much,” she rolled her shoulders carefully, “yet you are still here.” Her eyes flicked away to a spot on his shoulder, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to look him in the eyes while talking about the other person that would always be there between them.
“You are still every bit of the soldier you don’t feel when you are out there with us. When you are in the room with me,” she exhaled slowly, “you still fill the room without trying. You take my breath away. You make sure everyone is okay - even it means forgetting yourself.
“How could I not find you worthy of my love?”
CASTIEL--
She grasped his other hand, tangling those fingers together, as well. Castiel gripped both her hands gratefully; her touch just made him feel more anchored, more here than usual. And right now, he really needed that, needed to remain here mentally as well as physically. He needed to be with her, to get what needed said, said.
As Zyllah spoke, his head was shaking slowly. She fought along side him, she saw him at his lowest, at his weakest. She couldn't possibly believe that he was strong. How could she?
And then, everything just sort of froze up for him. It was like his mind stuttered to a stop, and just blanked out. Dean. She was talking about Dean. He wasn't even really sure she'd known. Oh, he knew people talked, sometimes. Kindly, respectfully...and then ones who mocked and even worse. He knew even when he pretended. But, on some level, he'd hoped she'd never heard any of the talk.
It had been too much to hope for. Of course.
Distantly, he knew Zee was speaking, still. He even heard the words, though he couldn't hold them in mind enough to make a proper response. Or, really, any response. Just as distantly, he was aware that he must be showing everything he felt – the horror, the sorrow, the pain, the....love – but Cas was helpless to stop it, too far gone to try to put any of his usual masks into place. It was always harder around her, but now...it was impossible.
“No.” It almost more a low moan than a word, but it was the best he could manage, struggling to try to stay with her, to not let himself slide down into the threatening darkness, using the brilliance of her blue eyes to grasp at, to anchor to. “I'm not...I'm not what you think I am. Zyllah, my little Shadow, I'm...not any of that.”
He squeezed her hands, possibly harder than he should have, desperate to maintain that contact, though his eyes dropped away, staring instead down at their intertwined hands. “I love you,” he admitted softly, brokenly. “But...the things I love...die. I can't save what I love. I...don't know if I can do it.”
ZYLLAH--
When the feelings danced over his face, she almost let go of his hands; she felt that she must have upset him - she wasn’t sure. But this was the moment she needed to hold on. She frowned a bit, biting at her bottom lip, her words trailing off, she was afraid to keep talking. What if she made it worse? Her hands tightened a bit before relaxing, then he grabbed ahold even tighter.
“Castiel,” she spoke softly as she shifted, her focus on his face now, then the top of his head. She wasn’t even sure what to say or do. Go with your gut, Zee.
She shifted out of her chair, moving to settle on her knees in front of him, their hands still intertwined. She looked up at him, “Castiel,” she sighed, “you saved me all those years ago,” she chuckled softly.
“Sometimes I don’t need saving. I just need love.”
CASTIEL--
Her words cut right down to the center of him. The way she said his name, it almost felt like a prayer from the past, a word whispered full of meaning and emotion from the lips of someone else. But...it wasn't Dean saying his name now, even if the feeling it carried was so much the same. This was Zee...this was Zyllah, this was his Shadow.
His little Shadow. He'd thought of her that way for so long. How had he not seen it sooner?
The answer, of course, had been because he had been afraid, pure and simple.
Slowly, he raised his eyes to meet hers, only then becoming aware that she was kneeling in front of him now, watching him. She must have seen everything that crossed his face. He waited for the embarrassment, the anger that sometimes rose to hide his deepest thoughts from those around him...but it never came. It was okay of she saw him like this. It was...okay.
Dropping her hands, he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close, gently. He buried his face into her hair, sighing softly. And when he finally spoke, it was a low murmur into her hair, a rumble filled with wonder and fear and the love he'd so long denied both of them without even recognizing it. “I love you, Shadow. I want to love you. I want to have this. I want to share this with you. My little Shadow, my sweet, brave, little Zyllah...I want to try, for you.”
ZYLLAH--
She waited for him to acknowledge her presence, he was so lost in his head and the memories. It was hard watching him because there was uncertainty present - she wasn’t sure if his struggle would mean she would end up staying on the outside in the end. Her lips twisted a little, she waited for him.
He would come back, she knew that; but in what way? She didn’t know the answer to that. It was odd not having the answers.
There he was when he lifted his head, his eyes - bluer than the skies on a perfect day.
Her breath caught, she smiled ever so carefully. Hopefully.
She moved when he pulled her in, she had to shift so she could climb into his lap and be held at the same time instead of half-standing at an awkward angle. She could feel his breath, and it made her close her eyes while her heartbeat quickened. He had no idea what he did to her.
And there he was, the words were coming.
“You do?” Her voice was soft, full of wonder. She smiled, shifting to tuck her face into the area between his head and his shoulder. “I love you too, Castiel.” She exhaled the words slowly. She hadn’t meant to say love earlier, but she had meant it. And apparently so did he.
She shifted back in his lap so she could look at him, her hands trailing along his jaws. “It’s confusing, scary, and really exciting,” she chuckled. “But I wouldn’t want to try with anyone else,” she bit at her bottom lip for a moment before taking the plunge, her head moving in to claim his lips for a kiss.
CASTIEL--
He cradled her against him, grateful for her slight weight further anchoring him. Cas could only nod, at first, not sure he could trust himself to speak again just yet. It had taken so much to speak those words aloud, to open himself like that to her. But it had been right. He couldn't regret the words spoken. They were true, he meant them. No sarcasm, no hiding behind all his various masks. Just...him, what little he had to offer Zyllah, what he had to give – that had been what was in his words.
“I love you too, Castiel.” It took his breath away. She was just as honest and genuine with him now as she always was, and he surprised himself by just accepting that. At least, in this moment, he could. He knew himself enough to know doubts would come again, darkness and madness would threaten again. It wouldn't be perfect, couldn't be perfect. But he would try for her, and with the help she was always, always silently offering him. Now...he would accept it.
Because he needed her, and he nearly laughed at how long he had, and how long he'd denied it.
For a being with billions of years of knowledge and experience, he sure could be pretty fucking dense.
Her light touch against his jaw sent a shiver down his spine, in the most pleasant of ways. He met her gaze, blue meeting blue, and felt his lips quirk into a true, genuine smile. She was so beautiful. Not just physically attractive – though, yeah, he couldn't deny that – but it was another of those moments where he felt he could almost see her soul, in the ways he once would have been able to. And she was just....so...beautiful.
When she leaned in toward him, his heart sped up. She was going to kiss him. And oh, how he wanted that. He met her eagerly, pressing lips to lips, licking gently at the seam of her mouth, tasting and testing more than actually pressing for entrance. He was in no hurry now, unlike last night. There was no haze of alcohol clouding what he felt, what he wanted. There was just her, and him, and this right here and now.
A thought occurred to him, and he pulled away reluctantly, wanting to look into her face again. “Zyllah...stay with me.” There was a pause as he considered what he'd said and what he wanted to say, and then he plunged ahead. “Stay with me tonight. Stay with me...every night.” Castiel cupped her face in his hands, watching her reaction. “Stay here at the bunker. We can get you a room of your own. Whatever you want. But please..would you stay?”
Both hope and dread filled him at the same time, but...in the end, he would accept it, whatever she chose. Because it was her choice, no matter what he wanted her to choose, it was her choice.
ZYLLAH--
Her lips curled into a smile when he met hers for the kiss, it sent a thrill through her body that here he was, wanting her as much as she wanted him. Also, he was much more present this time compared to the other night. She kissed him lazily, chasing his tongue with a laugh, taking her time; delighting in all this.
Then he broke the kiss, she blinked, studying him with a question in her eyes. Was something wrong? But she could see that nothing was wrong, he just had something to say. Her head tilted a bit, she ran her fingers along his arms, smiling softly. “Stay with you?” Her voice was soft, she was ready to say something when he cut her off, continuing. “I…” She looked down for a moment to consider his words.
Was there more than what he was asking? She had to chuckle a little internally, this was Castiel - he never knew how to speak in circles. What he said, he meant, and he never really knew how to be too subtle. That was what she liked about him, with him, she usually knew where she stood.
“Of course,” she looked up at him with a smile. “I would love to.” She slipped her hands to settle on top of his. “You decide if I stay with you, or in my own room.” She hesitated, had she been too bold in saying that? Her eyes flicked to his, unsure if she had crossed a line.
CASTIEL--
She...agreed. Cas watched her, suddenly unsure. There was the doubt, the uncertainty he was used to. Did she really mean it, or was she just agreeing because it was what he wanted? No matter how long he lived among humans, no matter he lived as one of them, he was never quite sure if he was reading them right. Somehow, sometimes, that was only more so with her. Far too often Zyllah agreed readily with him, just because it was what he wanted.
Her eyes met his, that beautiful clear blue of hers – so much like his own, he'd been told teasingly more than once – and he searched them, looking for signs of how she really felt. She, too, seemed unsure, a little afraid. He could see it in those blue depths, but he saw hope, as well. It was that hope that settled him, centered him. “Both,” he said suddenly. “I mean...I want you to stay with me. I do, I really do, Shadow.”
Cas hesitated again, his eyes dropping away from hers. He had to say more, explain properly, but it was hard. So hard. He was so afraid it would send her running, that he would lose this thing he'd only just gotten the courage to open himself to. But...he respected Zyllah, he....loved her. He was sure of that, now. So, she deserved this, despite the risk.
His hand slipped from under hers where they were covering his, and then down to rest lightly at her waist, just enough to steady her on his lap. He was, unconsciously, allowing her the means to move away, to escape what he was to say. “You should have a room of your own anyway. You should have somewhere to go if you need to get away from me.”
Only then did his eyes move back up to look at her, afraid of her reaction, but needing to see anyway, needing to just look at her. “I'm broken. I'm lost and I'm broken and...sometimes, I'm not safe.” While his voice was soft and – surprising to him – steady, his expression was serious, solemn, and sorrowful. He believed what he said, honestly felt that sometimes he had the potential to be a danger to those around him. “You should have somewhere you can go.”
He'd always locked himself away in his room when those fears rose up and threatened to swallow him, sometimes for days at a time. And he believed no one actually noticed that he did it, or suspected why. All he really knew was that it was something he felt necessary to protect Zyllah from, that he was something she might need protected from. He had to offer her what safety he could, even if it was just a separate room for her to retreat to.